Hopefully I will not have to put a deposit or anything like that down when I have completed saying what I want to say and asking what I want to ask. I suppose that would be okay though because they say it is good to write feelings down.
The problem is: I do not know what I feel.
Okay, I feel angry. I feel irritable. I feel desire to have sex, not lust, simply the desire to partake in sexual acts just because I can. In fact, that is the only interactions I have outside of work. I want to be able to come home from work and tell others about my day, like well, my family.
I have seen this happen before, I want to have that. It looks like a good way to involve myself in relationships.
Here is another problem: no matter how much I tell myself “Today is the day I will tell mom or my brothers or even just SOMEONE about how my day went, and then proceed to ask them how theirs went,” I just CAN NOT.
The idea or desire to ask a question as simple as that escapes my mind just as fast as the idea came to it. It is easier to not participate in a daily “show and tell.”
And here is where you will tell me: make a goal to do that. You have no idea how many times I have tried to make that a goal of the day, or how many times I have made that the ONLY goal of the day. I still just can not do it.
I am afraid to answer the phone. No, I dread answering the phone. I am instantly irritated with the person who called before I even answer.
I do not like to think. I do not like to talk.
Why on earth is this person calling? Why are they forcing me to do these things I do not like? Why do they want to know what I am thinking when I do not care to think about what I am thinking? I hate them for calling; I do not make an effort to hide my irritation with them when I do answer.
A friend of mine is in love with me. I was in love with him once too. He is perfect; caring, generous, understanding, handsome, and unconditionally loving.
When he tries to text or call or visit just to hear me laugh or see me smile, I get annoyed and usually end up snapping at him or staring blankly at him with a confused look and say something like “I don’t know why you think that is funny,” or “you’re weird,” or “why would you say that?”
He will leave and come back with flowers and a cookie and a note that says he is sorry for making my day worse and that he loves me more that I know and that no matter what he is ALWAYS there for me for financial, emotional, or moral support. He even offers to do my homework.
I was the one who went after him originally. He was too good for me. He still is, the difference is that now he loves me more than anything and is willing to accept all of my issues. He is willing to leave me alone for however long I want to be left alone.
He is perfect for me, right? Wrong. I love him still, but I can not fall back in love with him. He irritates me (like every other human on the planet) and I avoid him and treat him like shit; even though I love him.
Is there a reason why I do these things? My dad was the same way.
I hated him back then for it. Now I think I may be more like him than I care to admit. I do not hate him anymore either; I believe he had anger similar to mine and took it out on me and my mom. He loves me but he does not know how to show it.
Also, I am no longer a victim. There is no excuse for my behavior anymore. I was taught and raised the right way in those years I was living with a third party. I was taught love, respect, accountability, responsibility, coping skills, and the proper etiquette of a healthy relationship.
I do not live with that family anymore. I was 18 when I left; I am 19 now.
It is hard to explain but while my body is moving, my mind is always in a pit. Safely so.
What other than depression and borderline is wrong with me?
Hello and thank you for taking the time to email. I am going to start with your last line in your email, what other than depression and borderline is wrong with me?
If you have been given a diagnosis of depression and borderline personality disorder, that could account for some of the things you are feeling.
Many people with borderline experience difficulties in managing relationships and also in managing their own emotions. If you have indeed been given this diagnosis, the recommended treatment is Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT). This type of therapy include ‘skills teaching’ which helps in managing and tolerating difficult emotions. You can read a bit about it here.
There are many things that came to my mind when I read your email. There is a lot in what you have said, and I shall try to comment on some things.
Firstly, no you don’t have to put a deposit or pay anything, I really do answer questions for free!
What really hit me about your email, is yes, you appear to feel angry and irritable, so when you say you don’t know what you feel, we can start with knowing that you are feeling anger.
It is not a comfortable emotion though, and I recommend mindfulness for this.
The sex? I am not sure from your email, but if you do not have many other interactions, well this should make you feel something.
In terms of what is wrong with you, let’s work on the assumption that you as a person are okay (and that may irritate you!) but the feelings that you are experiencing are not okay, as I am guessing that they will be interfering with your daily life. An example of this is when you said how you feel if someone calls you on the phone.
I am guessing that you can feel angry, just from the noise of it ringing. If that is correct, then there are many opportunities throughout your day for you to feel anger.
It is not your boyfriend, the phone ringing, or any other things that make you feel angry (and that is a good thing, as if that were the case, then in would be outside of your control to do something about it.)
Rather, think of it this way. When you encounter a stimulus (the boyfriend, phonecalls) your immediate reaction is anger. If I am somewhere on the right track with that, then high levels of stress or anxiety could account for that.
When we are anxious, our nervous system is so heightened, that we react to small day to day situations, like a life or death situations.
I would also recommend Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, there are some good books on this.
Back to what I said a few lines up, start with the assumption that you are okay. Let me tell you where I am coming from with this statement, as it usually doesn’t go down well, when I start with that assumption.
If we want to change anything, it is always easier when we can accept ourselves exactly as we are right now, warts and all. Say both of us were feeling the way you are and we both wanted to do something about it.
If you were trying to change, but were down on yourself, getting upset with how you are, then you are dealing with two things; trying to change, and how you feel about yourself.
If I were making the same changes, but accepted that I was angry at the moment, and although I may not know why, if I could accept it, then I am only dealing with one thing, trying to make the change in how I am responding.
If you haven’t already done so, I really would look at mindfulness and CBT.
For mindfulness, I really like Headspace and you can do a quick google for people offering CBT where you live.