If you’ve ever felt anxious in a situation that should feel safe, you’re not alone.
It’s one of the most common things I see in therapy — and one of the most confusing for people to make sense of.
You might know logically that there’s nothing wrong. You might say to yourself, I’m fine, this isn’t dangerous. But your body doesn’t listen. It still braces. Still tenses. Still feels like something bad is about to happen.
This is emotional memory in action. My Masters Degree looked at memory, and probably since I have that in my academic background it allows me a much broader perspective on understanding anxiety, as memory in central in working of anxiety, and should be a key part of your treatment.
In this post, I want to show you how emotional memory is formed — and more importantly, how you can begin to update it by creating new experiences of safety and repeating them, gently and consistently. If you haven’t already read it, I recommend reading;
- What is emotional memory?
- How your body remembers what your mind has forgotten.
- How emotional memory triggers anxiety.
Your Brain Stores Feelings, Not Just Facts
Emotional memory lives deep in the brain’s limbic system, especially in the amygdala. You can read about the amygdala and it’s role in anxiety here.
It doesn’t store a tidy narrative about what happened. It stores the feeling of what happened — the fear, overwhelm, tension, or loneliness — and tags it with strong survival meaning.
Your thinking brain might forget the details. But your emotional brain remembers how it felt.
That’s why you might feel anxious walking into a room that reminds your nervous system of something painful. Or why your body tenses at bedtime, even if nothing bad happens now — because once, that time of day felt unsafe.
You Can’t Talk Emotional Memory Out of Reacting — But You Can Update It
This part is key: emotional memory isn’t updated through reasoning.
You can’t logic your way out of a panic response, because the part of your brain that’s reacting doesn’t use logic. It uses sensory and emotional cues — tone of voice, posture, atmosphere, time of day.
But just as your brain once learned to associate those cues with danger, it can also learn something new. That’s what recovery is all about.
If you want to read more about memory, I recommend this excellent article on John Hopkins Medicine.
How to Create New Experiences of Safety
It’s just like learning any new skill really; practice makes perfect. You learn through repetition, and in this case, repeating things in a different way, showing your emotional brain that you are safe, is how to create safety.
For example
- If you feel anxious going to bed:
This is something that I have done in my personal life as I struggled with going to bed for a long time as I kept having panic attacks in my sleep. I had been waiting until I was exhausted before going to bed which was letting my brain know this was something to b afraid of. I consciously gave myself a new routine, it wasn’t easy, but I kept at it knowing I was teaching my brain to stay calm. A few hours before bed, I made sure the lights were dim, I had a hot drink (Horlicks, I’m old school) and read for an hour, and did some breathing exercises in bed when I felt that part of me that wanted to brace. Over time, my system begins to associate bedtime with safety, not fear. - If certain places feel unsafe (even though nothing bad happens there now):
Go slowly. Sit for short periods with supportive anchors — like a grounding object, comforting scent, or even a calming posture — and allow your system to notice nothing bad is happening. Then repeat. Little and often is powerful. - If your anxiety shows up in social interactions:
Practise being with safe people in safe settings. Not to fix or prove anything, but to let your nervous system feel what it’s like to be with others and still feel grounded.
Why Repetition Is More Important Than Intensity
This is so important for you to understand ; Your emotional brain learns best from what happens regularly, not what happens dramatically.
That means:
- You don’t need to have a huge breakthrough.
- You don’t need to feel completely calm.
- You do need to give your system repeated signals that you’re safe now.
Over time, these micro-moments of safety begin to rewrite old emotional patterns.
They send a new message to your brain: this is different now.
CBT and the Power of Behavioural Change
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) helps with emotional memory too — but not just through changing thoughts. It helps by gently changing the behaviours that keep emotional memory stuck. You can learn more about CBT here.
Things like:
- Avoiding certain places
- Bracing before doing something
- Checking or rehearsing conversations
- Staying hyper-alert to signs of danger
When we shift those patterns — even slightly — the brain gets new input.
New experiences. New data. And with support, it starts to believe you.
This Isn’t About Willpower — It’s About Rewiring
If you’ve struggled with anxiety, it’s not because you’re weak or irrational.
It’s because your brain is doing what it was designed to do: protect you based on what it’s been through.
The good news is: that same brain can change.
It can update. It can learn a new emotional language — one based on real safety.
That’s exactly what I teach inside my course, Retrain Your Brain®.
It’s not about quick fixes or positive thinking. It’s about giving your system a new emotional blueprint — gently, consistently, and with understanding.
