I have received quite a few emails recently from people who suspect they might be suffering from a type of OCD, called relationship obsessive compulsive disorder; ROCD and it prompted me to write this quick article to help you recognise the signs of ROCD.

What is Relationship OCD?
Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) where you experience obsessive doubts and fears about your relationship. These obsessions often centre around whether your partner is suitable for you, and whether or not your feelings are genuine. I won’t go into detail describing the condition as I have already done so in this article.
Obsessions in ROCD
One of the hallmarks of ROCD is the presence of persistent, unwanted thoughts or images that cause significant anxiety and you might want to check if any of these sound familiar to you.
- Doubts About Your Feelings: You might find yourself constantly questioning whether you truly love your partner. For example, you may ask yourself, “Do I really love them, or am I just trying to tell myself I do?”
- Doubts About Your Partner’s Feelings: Another common obsession is worrying whether your partner actually loves you. This worry can lead to you misinterpreting normal things they do or say as some sort of sign that they don’t love you.
In addition to the obsessions, people with ROCD also have compulsions and the following short list is to help you decide if you do any of these or not, which could suggest pursuing ROCD further.
Would you like help with ROCD?
If you are obsessing over your relationship, and the ‘rightness’ of it, therapy may help you to stop analysing and seeking reassurance. I’ve been helping people for 20 years and have put all my knowledge into an online structured course. If you are ready to learn about ROCD and take steps to overcome it, I recommend you try my therapy program.
Dr Elaine Ryan
Compulsions in ROCD
The compulsions are to help you cope with the anxiety caused by the obsessions and I shall list some common compulsions. Please note it is not an exhaustive list, it is intended to help you decide if you might have ROCD or not and if so, your compulsions can be looked at in more detail in therapy with myself or other therapist.
- Seeking Reassurance: You might frequently ask your partner if they love you or if they think the relationship is going well. This reassurance-seeking can be repetitive and may annoy your partner over time.
- Comparison: Comparing your relationship to others is another compulsion. You might find yourself constantly looking at other couples and wondering if your relationship measures up. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction.
- Checking Behaviors: You may engage in behaviours aimed at confirming your feelings or your partner’s feelings. For instance, you might reread old messages to see if they expressed enough love or analyze past interactions for signs of affection or disinterest.
Differentiating ROCD from Normal Relationship Concerns
It’s important to understand that having occasional doubts or conflicts in a relationship is normal. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and it’s natural to question things from time to time. The key difference with ROCD is the intensity and frequency of these doubts and the distress they cause.
In a typical relationship, you might have a fleeting thought about your partner’s suitability, but it doesn’t dominate your mind. With ROCD, these thoughts are persistent and intrusive, making it difficult to focus on anything else. Additionally, the compulsive behaviours aimed at reducing anxiety are often disproportionate and can interfere with daily functioning.
You can read more on relationship anxiety here.
Recognizing the Signs of ROCD
If you’re trying to determine whether you might have ROCD, consider the following signs:
- Intrusive Thoughts: Do you experience persistent, unwanted thoughts about your relationship that cause you significant distress? These are thoughts that pop into your head that you do not seem to have any control over, and once in your head, they are very hard to shake.
- Compulsive Behaviours: Do you engage in behaviours like seeking reassurance, comparing your relationship to others, or checking for signs of love or disinterest? For example, do you keep comparing your relationship to other peoples, or ones you had in the past?
- Impact on Daily Life: Are these thoughts and behaviours interfering with your daily life, causing anxiety, or affecting your ability to enjoy your relationship? As I noted above, these types of thoughts (obsessions) are very hard to shake and do start to interfere with your day to day life, and is a big tell, that what you are experiencing is more in the realms of OCD, than a problem with your relationship.
- Distress and Anxiety: Do you feel a high level of anxiety or distress related to your relationship doubts and fears?
- Difficulty Moving Past Doubts: Can you let go of these doubts and concerns, even when there’s no concrete evidence to support them?
Seeking Help
If you recognize these signs in yourself, it’s important to seek help. As Cleveland Clinic notes, ROCD is a not a treatable condition but OCD is. What this simply means that ROCD is not a diagnosis as such, but OCD is , and there are effective therapies available. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), particularly Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), is commonly used to treat OCD and can be very effective for ROCD as well.
In therapy, you’ll work with a mental health professional to identify and challenge the obsessive thoughts and reduce the compulsive behaviours. This process can help you develop healthier ways of thinking and relating to your partner, ultimately improving your relationship and quality of life.
Self-Help Strategies
In addition to seeking professional help, there are self-help strategies you can use to manage ROCD symptoms:
- Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques: Practicing mindfulness can help you stay present and reduce the intensity of obsessive thoughts. Relaxation techniques like deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation can also help manage anxiety.
- Challenge Your Thoughts: Learn to identify and challenge the irrational thoughts that fuel your obsessions. Ask yourself if there’s concrete evidence to support these thoughts or if they are based on assumptions and fears.
- Limit Reassurance-Seeking: Try to reduce the frequency of seeking reassurance from your partner. This can be challenging, but it can help reduce the compulsive need for reassurance over time.
- Focus on Positive Aspects: Make a conscious effort to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and your partner. This can help counterbalance the negative focus of ROCD.
- Set Boundaries: Establish boundaries with your partner regarding the frequency of reassurance-seeking and discussions about your doubts. This can help prevent compulsive behaviours from dominating the relationship.
Conclusion
If you do think you might be suffering from Relationship OCD, you can overcome the problem by seeking help, which I urge you to do. Whether you work with myself or another psychologist, it does not matter as long as you work with someone who has considerable experience in treating OCD, you should be in safe hands.
If you or someone you know is experiencing distress or requires support, the following organisations offer assistance:
- Samaritans Ireland: Provides 24/7 confidential emotional support. Call free on 116 123 or visit their website.
- International OCD Foundation: Offers resources and information on Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Access their materials at iocdf.org.
- Mental Health Ireland: Provides information and support for various mental health conditions. Explore their resources at mentalhealthireland.ie.
For those of you outside Ireland, the following global organisations can offer information and support:
- World Health Organization (WHO): Provides global mental health resources and guidance.
- Mind: Offers mental health information and support, accessible worldwide.
- Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA): Resources for anxiety disorders, OCD, and related conditions.
- SANE Australia: Provides support and resources for OCD and anxiety conditions globally.
- BetterHelp: Access online therapy with licensed therapists for OCD and related conditions.
- OCD Action (UK): Advocacy and support for individuals affected by OCD.
- National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): Offers information and support for individuals living with OCD.