Anger is an emotion that we all experience, and like all emotions it can be broken down, understood and managed. If you feel you need help managing your anger or others have suggested anger management to you, I shall outline what this entails and how it can help you. I have been helping people manage difficult emotions for over 20 years and am here to help you.
Understanding Anger: The Basics
Anger is a natural human emotion, but it can become problematic when it’s excessive or expressed in unhealthy ways. To effectively manage anger, it’s crucial to understand its underlying mechanisms.
Table of contents
What is Anger?
Anger is a natural emotion that tells us something is not quite right. It can range from mild irritation to full-blown rage, . but like all emotions, anger is temporary and will die down or escalate, depending on how you respond to the trigger.
Online Anger Management
Anger can be quite a full-on emotion as it creates some strong physiological and psychological changes. Having the ability to manage these changes can be the difference between healthy and destructive anger, or getting carried away by these strong feelings and ending up doing and saying things that they regret once their physiology returns to normal. You can feel helpless and out of control with such a strong emotion, but like all emotions, anger can be broken down, understood, and managed.
Anger comprises the following three components.
- Physical – what happens in your body when you experience the emotion
- Cognitive (thoughts) – what thought processes run through your mind during the feeling, and
- Behavioural – what you do and feel you want to do when you experience the emotion.
It is the interplay between these three components that determines whether you have anger issues or not.
In-control versus out-of-control anger
In control anger
Not in control anger
- Physical: Aware of body tension, but actively using calming techniques (deep breaths, relaxation). May feel the urge to move, but chooses controlled movement (like taking a walk).
- Mental: Acknowledges angry thoughts, but challenges them. Focuses on solutions instead of dwelling on the problem.
- Behavioural: Expresses anger assertively, using “I” statements and respectful language. Maintains a calm tone of voice and controlled body language.
- Physical: Overwhelmed by physical sensations (racing heart, tense muscles). Feels strong urges to lash out, possibly with aggressive movements.
- Mental: Consumed by angry, blaming thoughts. Ruminates on the issue, escalating the anger further.
- Behavioural: Expresses anger aggressively – yelling, insults, threats. Displays hostile body language (clenched fists, invading personal space).
The Anger Cycle
Psychologists, like myself, cringe when we hear people being told to punch and scream into pillows when angry as this does not help the situation, rather it can escalate your anger further. To understand this, we need to take a look at the cycle of anger.
The Cycle of Anger Stages
- Trigger
- Escalation
- Crisis
- Recovery
The trigger could be someone beeping their horn at you as you pull away from traffic lights; this puts you on the start of the cycle of anger.
Your heart is beating faster now, and you are no longer enjoying that tune on the radio. You tighten your grip on the steering wheel and are looking at the person behind in your rearview mirror, with your eyebrows and forehead scrunched up. This second stage of the cycle is where your feelings of anger escalate and it’s really important here, how you react. If you relax your brow and try to steady your breathing you might avoid the crisis stage. But if you tighten your grip more and are started to shout you are entering the crisis stage.
Your body is prepared to fight, your heart is pounding and it is extremely difficult to make a rational choice. This is the stage where people say things to others that they regret later when their bodies have had time to rest and recover.
In this final recovery stage, your body and mind return to normal.
In my diagram below you can see that there are a few exit routes when you can avoid full-blown anger and hopefully, you can see why punching a pillow only escalates your anger further, as it’s a strong punching action encouraging screaming!
Recognising Your Triggers
Everyone is different, but basically, for you to feel angry, you have to experience a situation or thought as harmful in some way. I find it it helpful to group the things that make you angry into the following categories.
- Things that are unfair or break the rules.
- Things that irritate or annoy you.
- Things that cost you time or money.
Things that are unfair or break rules
You feel angry, not only when a rule is broken, such as laws set down by the government or rules of the road, but also be alert to anger your experience when someone breaks rules you hold.
Rules set by law
Someone not following the rules of the road.
People who make noise after a pre-defined time.
People who break the law.
Rules set by you
You must think about the rules set by you, as these are more likely to provoke an angry response than when someone breaks the rules set by law. There are far too many to list, and many will be unique to you, but I shall give some examples to show you what to look for.People should tidy up after themselves.People should respect my space.People should not question me.Kids should stay out of my garden.People should not make use of my things.
Things that cost you time and money
Examples of things that can make you angry in this category can include,
Someone who is wasting your time.
Not taking care of something that cost money. This could be not taking care of a car, right down to minor things such as not taking care of or appreciating smaller items that cost you money and time to earn it.
Things that irritate or annoy you
Like the other examples above, this list will be unique, but I shall give some examples to get you started.Loud people.Being shouted at.Neighbours not taking care of their property; think untidy front garden.People who eat with their mouths open.Not saying thank you, or excuse me.impolite people
So many of these things can cross categories. You might have an internal rule to be polite, expect the same from others, and be irritated by rudeness.
Someone is coughing, standing close behind you in a queue. This is one of mine!
A stranger standing too close to you.
If you want to express anger without losing your temper or want to feel less wound up all the time, you need to know your triggers before you can start working on them. I divided them into the categories above. It is easier to identify your triggers when you can label or categorise them.
Once you have your list, you can start to look for the early warning signs of anger.
Spotting the Early Warning Signs
Self-Awareness: The first step to managing anger is recognising the early signs. I work with clients to help them become more aware of how anger manifests physically and emotionally. The first step in managing anger is self-awareness. Many people with anger problems are in desperate need of help but do not recognise the problem in themselves. This article can help you recognise if anger is a problem for you. They may blame their anger on other people, outright deny what is happening, or they really might just not see the problem. The person could have been raised in a home where anger was normal, and they have normalised their behaviour. Hence, this first step in managing anger is recognising that you have a problem. If you think this might be you, I shall briefly outline the different ways that people can show their anger, which may not be acceptable or healthy for other people.
Recap: Anger comprises the following three components and by paying attention to each of them you can learn to spot your early warning signs that anger is bubbling up.
Physical – what happens in your body when you experience the emotion
Cognitive (thoughts) – what thought processes run through your mind during the feeling, and
Behavioural – what you do and feel you want to do when you experience the emotion.
The physical component of anger.
The physical component of anger and all emotions is usually the first sign you have that a feeling is occurring. I find it helpful to think of the physical symptoms of emotions as being energising or de-energising. Anger is energising; things speed up in your body instead of feeling sad, which causes more of a dampening effect physically.
If you are trying to understand your own experience and feel that you have no control over it, discovering the changes in your body as the emotions bubble up gives you a chance to change it. You can’t be angry if you can calm down your body. The feelings that you experience in your body alert you that your body is preparing for action. It is expecting to have to take a stand or defend itself. Anger is part of your stress response, or you might have heard this being referred to as the fight-or-flight response.
When you experience any emotion, you usually feel compelled to do something – you experience an urge. When you feel the physical sensations relating to anger in your body, as your body is prepared for action, you might feel compelled to move towards the thing, thought, or person making you angry.
Urge to move toward your anger.
Suppose you are at home alone and thinking about something making you feel angry. In that case, you might move toward anger by engaging more in your thought processes, and going over different scenarios, while all the time, your anger increases.
If you are angry at someone, you might feel the urge to move closer to them and raise your voice.
Move away
The emotion of anger can also make you feel the urge to move away from whatever makes you angry. This can help you understand if people often accuse you of walking out or getting offside if heated discussions occur.
Common urges experienced during anger include:shoutingtaking faster and over the top of someoneseek revengeurges of aggressionprove the other person wrongdrive or walk faster
Cognitive component.
The cognitive component is essential to understand as your thoughts cannot only talk up your anger but also calm it down.
It is helpful to note that all emotional components match what you feel. For example, you probably won’t have uplifting or motivating thoughts if you feel sad. There are typical thinking styles associated with emotions; one to watch out for if you are angry is rumination. Rumination means repeatedly repeating the same thought or scenario in your head, which, unfortunately, with anger, helps intensify the emotion.
Standard thought processes that accompany anger include,I hate that personThe situation or person is wrong.Blame- either yourself or others.Being prevented from doing what you want.Behavioural component
I find it easier to think of the behavioural component of anger as having an action. You are doing something. When you are angry, you are communicating. The problem may not be with the emotion of anger but how you share what you are feeling.
Behavioural communication involveshow you speak, your tone, your choice of words,how you are using your body, your body language
I think I have anger issues, what next?
If you recognize these signs in your life, it’s important to seek help. Anger is a learned behaviour, and with the right tools and support, you can learn to manage it effectively.Is anger affecting your life?
When your anger is out of control it can affect all aspects of your life including your relationships with others, your work and even your physical health. If this is happening to you, it is probably time to seek professional help as uncontrolled anger can lead to:
Physical Health Problems:
- Cardiovascular disease
- Digestive problems
- Weakened immune system
- Insomnia
Reputable health organisations like the Mayo Clinic and Harvard Health provide more information on how anger can affect your body and offer guidance on coping strategies
Mental Health Challenges:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Stress
Relationship Difficulties:
- Conflict with friends and family
- Difficulty maintaining relationships
- Problems at work
If you recognise that you have anger issues, remember it is an emotion and like any other emotion you can be taught to manage it. Dr Elaine Ryan
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), as recognised by the NICE Guidelines and American Psychological Association, focuses on changing negative thinking patterns that fuel anger. By challenging and reframing these thoughts, you can reduce emotional intensity and learn to respond in healthier ways.
Challenge Negative Thoughts
Step 1. Any time you notice even the slightest annoyance, stop and ask yourself what are the thoughts in your head. For example, if your friend walks past you in the street with another friend and does not acknowledge you, you might think “oh she thinks she’s too good for me now.” Write that thought down.
Step 2. Pretend I was beside you and asking you what evidence do you have for that thought, can you prove to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that your friend thought she was too good for you?
Step 3. What’s an alternative, more rational explanation. “She simply did not see me.”
Do you see how the rational thought results in less anger?
Cognitive restructuring
Cognitive restructuring, often used in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), involves challenging and reframing negative thought patterns. For example, instead of thinking, “This always happens to me,” you might reframe it to, “This is a challenging situation, but I can handle it.” Instead of thinking, “My boss is always picking on me,” a person might reframe it as, “My boss seems stressed lately, and their tone might reflect that.”
Behavioural component
I find it easier to think of the behavioural component of anger as having an action. You are doing something. When you are angry, you are communicating. The problem may not be with the emotion of anger but how you share what you are feeling.
Behavioural communication involves
- how you speak, your tone, your choice of words,
- how you are using your body, your body language
The behavioural element of CBT is very much about doing and changing, for example, you will taught or given homework to complete, such as
- Deep breathing: Simple deep-breathing exercises can help calm your mind and body. A simple technique is to inhale for a count of four, hold for four, and exhale for four. This can be done anywhere, even in a stressful situation.
- Exercise: Physical activity can reduce stress and improve mood.
- Mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness can help you stay present and reduce the intensity of your anger.
- Communication: Learning to express your feelings assertively using “I” statements can prevent misunderstandings and reduce conflict. For example, you could say, “I feel frustrated when my efforts aren’t recognized,” rather than blaming others.
- Forgiveness: Holding onto grudges can fuel anger. Practising forgiveness can free you from this burden.
- Humour: Using humour appropriately can help diffuse tension and shift your perspective.Watching a funny video or telling a joke can help shift focus and reduce anger.
- Environment changes: Modifying your environment to reduce exposure to triggers can help prevent anger episodes.
You can read more on how CBT helps with anger in this post.
Anger Management Counselling
When to seek professional help
Your GP might have suggested meeting with a therapist for anger management or you’ve noticed that your anger is damaging your health, relationships, or quality of life, and decided its time to seek professional help. Working with a therapist can help you break down your anger into manageable parts and provide long-term strategies for change.
If you are ready to work with a therapist I appreciate finding someone suitable can seem overwhelming. Rather than go into detail here on what to look for, I have written an article on how to select a suitable therapist who can help you with anger. Regardless on whether you work with me or another therapist, it is important that you begin your search armed with the correct information on what to look for.
I shall mention UK organisations as that is where I trained British Psychological Society – find a psychologist and here in Ireland, The Psychological Society of Ireland directory.
Anger Management with Dr Elaine Ryan
I offer various way for you to get help with anger issues if you want to work specifically with me.
Anger Management Therapy in Dublin
You can have traditional face to face sessions, We meet on a weekly basis and undertake traditional psychological therapy.
Online Anger Management for Ireland and UK
If you are outside of Dublin, or face to face does not suit you, we can arrange online sessions. This also applies to the UK. I did all my professional training in the UK, and am happy to offer online anger management for those of you in the UK that wish to work with me. After living and working in Surrey and London for many years I appreciate the need for more flexibility around therapy, in terms of time, location and convenience.
Self -Help Anger Management Course
I can now offer an online self help course for anger management that is available to start right away.
Outlook
Anger is just another emotion that can cause havoc and hurt in your life, but it can be broken down into manageable parts that you can work with. And it is by undertaking this type of work that you can learn to not only recognising anger as it is bubbling up, but are able to express what is going on for you without resorting to shouting or losing your temper. This in effect is anger management.