Being on the receiving end of someone else’s anger can knock the wind out of you. Your own system goes into overdrive — heart pounding, stomach tight, maybe a flash of “I want to shout back.” That’s natural. But if you react straight away, the chances are the whole thing will spiral. The trick is to step out of the cycle long enough to steady yourself and bring the heat down. Mastering de-escalation is at the heart of anger management training — learn to steady yourself before words or actions spill over.
Before I go any further, let me be clear: if you ever feel unsafe, or you sense things could turn physical, that’s not the time to try techniques. Your safety always comes first. Walk away and get support. What I’m talking about here are the rows and flare-ups we all run into with partners, family, or workmates — when voices are raised and tempers are short, but you’re not in immediate danger.
1. Keep Yourself Steady
It sounds obvious, but the biggest difference you can make is with yourself. Before going any further, I really do appreciate how difficult this is. From personal experience, I know what it is like to stand in front of a person who is shouting at you; you are human too and your blood will boil, but how you handle it cam either diffuse the situation or light a fire beneath the other person. All of these exercises are for you, if that makes it easier. You don’t want to be in this state either so; Slow your breathing. Let your shoulders drop as they will be up round your years. Keep your voice low. Turn away from the person ever so slightly so you’re not squared up face-to-face — then it feels less like a stand-off.
2. Let Them Get It Out
Most of the time, when someone is angry, what they want first is to be heard. You don’t have to agree. Just let them talk. And as I said before, I do know from personal experience just how hard this is; resist the urge to jump in with your defence, they won’t hear you anyway. Think of it as giving them space to burn off some of that energy.
3. Acknowledge the Feeling
This doesn’t mean you’re saying they’re right. It just means you’re recognising the emotion. Something as simple as, “That sounds really frustrating,” or “I can see you’re upset about this,” shows you’re paying attention. Often that’s enough to take the edge off.
4. Hold Your Boundaries
Being calm doesn’t mean being a doormat. If you’re being shouted at or insulted, you can say, “I want to talk about this, but not like this.” Boundaries land best when you say them plainly, without adding your own anger on top.
5. Don’t Fall Into the Traps
There are a few phrases almost guaranteed to make things worse. “Calm down” is top of the list — it sounds dismissive. “I understand” can backfire too; better to say, “Help me understand.” And don’t get dragged into nit-picking over small details when emotions are high.
6. Step Away If You Need To
Sometimes the best option is to stop. You might say, “This isn’t going anywhere right now. I’m going to take a break and we’ll come back to it.” Then follow through. Leaving for ten minutes is better than letting things boil over into something you’ll both regret.
Pulling It Together
De-escalation isn’t about clever tricks. It’s really about two things: managing your own state and giving the other person enough space to come down from theirs. Some days you’ll handle it well; other days you’ll slip and react — that’s normal. What matters is that you’re practicing.
Think of these techniques as tools in your back pocket. You won’t always need them, but when tempers flare, having a plan gives you something solid to lean on. Over time, staying calm and setting boundaries starts to feel less like effort and more like second nature. And when you can do that, you not only protect yourself, you also give the relationship — whatever it is — a better chance of finding its way back to steady ground.
