One minute your child is grand, the next they’re in a full meltdown over the wrong colour cup or because they don’t want to do whatever you have just asked them to do. If you’re a parent, you’ll know how quickly the mood can turn. It’s exhausting, but like anything in terms of behaviour, there is always an explanation. Years ago, I worked in challenging behaviour and I found this training useful when I am thinking about kids when they display more than the average temper tantrums; it is a communication, they are desperately trying to communicate something, maybe not in the best way, but it is communication none-the-less.
Your child isn’t “bad,” and you’re not a bad parent either. Anger is just one of the big emotions children have to learn to handle, and it’s difficult, it is difficult for many adults to feel angry and communicate this in a socially acceptable way, but about between about four and twelve, kids don’t yet have the words to explain what’s really going on inside them, so it comes out as shouting, slamming doors, or saying “It’s not fair!”
Our job isn’t to stop them being angry, it’s to help them understand it and show them how to deal with it safely. Parents can find extra support and child-friendly anger management techniques in the main guide, designed for families across Ireland.
Why Kids Get So Angry
Most of the time, the anger you see is only the surface. Underneath it is something else.
- They can’t get the words out. A child might feel left out, disappointed, or anxious, but they don’t know how to explain it. Anger is the quickest way to show it.
- They’re overwhelmed. Busy shops, noisy classrooms, or even just a change in plan can throw them off balance. When I am writing this I am thinking about a young child who has autism and this feeling of being overwhelmed can come out the only way the know how; big loud emotions.
- They’re pushing limits. Kids test boundaries to see what happens. Sometimes the pushback is loud.
- They’re tired, hungry, or not feeling well. Just like us, they snap when they’re running on empty.
- Big changes. A new baby, starting school, or family stress can all show up as anger.
What You Can Do in the Moment
The hardest thing is staying calm when they’re anything but. But that’s exactly what helps most.
- Acknowledge the feeling, not the behaviour. You can say, “I know you’re cross that the game is over. It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to throw things.”
- Lend them your calm. Sit with them, soften your voice, and take a few slow breaths yourself. Kids take their cue from us.
- Set up a calm space. A corner with cushions, books, or a soft toy where they can go when things get too big. Not punishment, just a safe space.
- Help them name it. Say, “It looks like you’re frustrated,” or “I wonder if you’re feeling jealous of your brother.” Naming it makes it feel less scary.
- Let them play it out. Drawing, role-play with toys, or running around the garden can help them shift the angry energy in a safe way.
When It Feels Bigger Than You
If anger is happening a lot, or it’s affecting school and friendships, that’s the time to look for extra help. As I said at the beginning of this article, even though it might look like something that cannot be resolved, your child is still communicating and might need to help of professionals to explain to you and your child how to deal with it.
- Start with your GP. They can check there’s nothing else going on and refer you if needed.
- Primary Care Psychology (HSE). Offers short-term support and parenting programmes for mild to moderate problems.
- CAMHS. For more serious or ongoing difficulties, your child may be referred here. It can take time to get in, but the support is thorough.
You might also come across:
- Play therapy, where children use toys and art to work through feelings.
- Parenting programmes, like Parents Plus, which are practical and widely used in Ireland.
A Final Word
Parenting a child with big feelings is hard work. Some days you’ll handle it well, and other days you’ll feel like you’ve lost your own patience. That’s normal. What matters is that you keep trying, and that your child sees you coming back with calm and care as they may have something else going on and are trying to express their feelings as best they can.