Self-criticism can add a second layer of distress to anxiety: “I’m weak”, “I shouldn’t be like this” or “What’s wrong with me?” If you recognise this pattern, this guide explains how to respond differently. The anxiety self-check is an educational starting point; it does not identify self-criticism as your personal cause or main maintaining mechanism.
When anxiety becomes a character judgement, the brain treats it as a bigger threat—fueling avoidance, reassurance-seeking, and fighting symptoms. It also makes setbacks feel like failure, which keeps the loop running.
The loop looks like this: anxiety trigger > symptoms/worry > self-judgement > increased arousal + narrowed attention > stronger safety behaviours (escape, checking, over-control) > short-term relief > stronger belief that anxiety is unacceptable. Treatment focuses on changing the internal response: separating the anxious reaction from your identity, adopting a neutral “coach” tone, and using self-criticism as a cue to practise skillful responding—label it, soften, and return to a chosen action.
In the quick video below, I talk about the impact of your thought processes, and you should find it helpful to watch to help you understand the impact of your words.
What self-criticism sounds like in anxiety
Self-criticism often shows up as:
- “I should be over this by now.”
- “I’m ridiculous.”
- “I’m going to embarrass myself.”
- “Other people cope—why can’t I?”
- “This proves I’m not strong / not capable.”
A clue that it’s maintaining anxiety: it creates urgency and shame, not clarity.
Why it makes anxiety worse
When you criticise yourself for anxiety, your brain hears:
“This is unacceptable. We must fix it now.”
That message:
- increases arousal (more adrenaline, more tension)
- narrows attention onto symptoms (“Am I getting worse?”)
- increases safety behaviours (escape, checking, over-control)
- makes normal fluctuations feel like failure
So instead of one problem (anxiety), you now have two:
- anxiety sensations/thoughts
- an inner attack that treats anxiety as a personal flaw
How to change it
The goal is not to become unrealistically positive. The goal is less inner attack and a more accurate response.
1) Separate anxiety from identity
Anxiety is something your nervous system does—not who you are.
- “I’m anxious” ? can turn into “I am a problem.”
- “My alarm system is activated” ? keeps it a state, not a verdict.
2) Use a neutral, coach tone
A coach tone is:
- factual
- brief
- kind but not sentimental
- action-oriented
It sounds like:
- “This is anxiety. It will pass.”
- “My body is in threat mode. I can ride this out.”
- “I don’t have to win this feeling—I can continue.”
3) Treat self-criticism as a cue to practise skillful responding
When the critical voice shows up, that’s your signal to:
- label it (“That’s self-criticism.”)
- soften the body (unclench jaw, drop shoulders, loosen belly)
- return to action (one small step forward while anxious)
This breaks the “second-layer threat” and stops adding fuel.
Simple exercise: Be your own cheerleader
If you have ever had a session in person with me, you are bound to have heard me telling you to be your own cheerleader. Sounds cheesy, but extremely important. If you were in session with me now, very visibly upset, telling me about how anxiety is affecting you, and I started to tell you that you are pathetic and should catch yourself on, you would get up and leave, feeling absolutely terrible. Don’t do that to yourself.
If you are critical of yourself, that is exactly what you are doing; don’t do it; be your own cheerleader.
Do this when you notice self-criticism, or as a daily practice.
- Write the exact critical sentence you hear:
- “I’m weak for feeling this.”
- “This is pathetic.”
- “I’m going to embarrass myself.”
- Rewrite it as a brief, factual coach statement you could repeat in the moment:
- “This is my alarm system firing. It’s uncomfortable, not dangerous.”
- “I’m having anxiety. I can take the next step anyway.”
- “I can feel this and still function.”
- Choose one small action you’ll do while the feeling is present:
- keep speaking
- stay in the queue
- send the email
- keep walking for 30 seconds
How to measure success
Not “Did I feel confident?” but:
- “Did I reduce the inner attack?”
- “Did I soften instead of escalate?”
- “Did I continue one step while anxious?”
That’s the change that retrains the system over time.
Related reading: understanding the wider anxiety cycle; recognising that you are good enough.
Related reading: Rumination: when replaying keeps your body in “threat mode” (and anxiety stays switched on).