Have you ever found yourself constantly questioning a perfectly good relationship for no clear reason? Perhaps you love your partner, yet a nagging voice in your mind keeps asking, “But is this truly right?” If so, you may be encountering Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ROCD). ROCD is a form of OCD in which the usual target of obsessive doubt and anxiety is your romantic relationship. In other words, the intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviours characteristic of OCD become focused on intimate relationship worries – such as whether you really love your partner, whether they’re “the one,” or whether they have flaws that make them unsuitable. These doubts go far beyond normal relationship jitters; they are persistent, distressing, and very hard to dismiss.
ROCD is not a separate diagnosis in manuals like the DSM-5 – it’s a way that OCD can manifest. People with ROCD experience recurrent, intrusive doubts about their relationship or partner, coupled with a compulsive urge to seek certainty and relief from the anxiety those doubts cause. For example, someone with ROCD might be tormented by thoughts like “What if I’m not really in love?” or “My partner isn’t perfect for me”, even when the relationship is objectively going well. To relieve the intense anxiety, they may engage in compulsions – repetitive behaviours or mental acts such as constantly analysing the relationship, comparing their partner to others, or seeking reassurance that everything is okay.
Signs and Symptoms of ROCD
Like all forms of OCD, ROCD involves both obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions in ROCD are the unwanted thoughts or worries about the relationship that won’t go away. Common obsessive themes include: doubting your love or attraction for your partner, questioning your partner’s qualities or whether they are “good enough,” and a fixation on whether the relationship is fundamentally the “right” one.. You might have thoughts such as, “Is he or she really the one for me?”, “Do I actually love them as much as I should?”, or “Maybe I’d be happier with someone else.”These thoughts are often ego-dystonic – meaning they clash with your true feelings and values, causing you significant distress and guilt. Many people with ROCD know on some level that they love their partner, yet they feel unable to shake the feeling that something is “off” or that they’re lying to themselves.
On the compulsion side, individuals with ROCD engage in various behaviours to try to neutralise or get rid of those doubts. Reassurance-seeking is one of the most common: repeatedly asking one’s partner or friends questions like “Are you sure we’re happy?” or “Do you think I’m doing the right thing being with them?”. Others might continuously check their own feelings, monitoring themselves for a “spark” or a sense of certainty (“Do I feel in love when we hold hands right now? Let me check again.”). Many end up comparing – measuring their relationship against other couples or against an idealised standard, scrutinising their partner’s traits to see if they match up. Some even compulsively research relationship advice or take online quizzes for confirmation. These actions temporarily soothe the anxiety, but the relief never lasts for long. Soon the doubts creep back in, and the cycle starts over.
Example: One woman with ROCD described how she would scroll through social media photos of seemingly blissful couples and then fixate on why she didn’t feel as “excited” as they looked. This would trigger a spiral of obsession about her own relationship’s quality. In response, she would spend hours asking her friends and family to tell her that she and her partner seemed great together, desperately seeking that “It’s okay” reassurance. It comforted her for a few moments, only for the doubts to return the next day.
ROCD can affect anyone, regardless of gender or the length of the relationship – it can arise in new romances or long-term marriages alike (IOCDF.). Sufferers often report feeling ashamed or confused, because on the surface their relationship may be healthy and loving, yet internally they are in turmoil. It’s important to realise that ROCD is not a reflection of your partner’s actual worth or the real state of the relationship; it’s a reflection of your anxiety. In fact, research suggests that ROCD causes levels of distress and impairment comparable to other, better-known forms of OCD. In other words, this condition is genuinely challenging – you’re not “just being indecisive” or “cold-footed,” but dealing with an anxiety disorder that latches onto your relationship.
ROCD vs Normal Relationship Doubts
It’s perfectly normal for people to have occasional doubts or questions in a relationship. No partnership is 100% perfect, and life transitions (like moving in together, getting engaged, etc.) can naturally prompt one to reflect, “Is this right for me?” The big difference with ROCD is a matter of degree and impact. Normal relationship doubts tend to be situational and fleeting – for example, you might worry during a rough week or after a disagreement, but those doubts resolve once the situation improves or after an honest conversation. In ROCD, however, the doubts are pervasive and relentless, often impervious to reassurance or reality. A person without ROCD might think, “We’ve been bickering lately; maybe we need to communicate better,” and then take steps to resolve it. A person with ROCD could be in the middle of a lovely, conflict-free day and still be tormented by the thought, “But do I really love them? What if this isn’t true love?” – and no amount of evidence to the contrary fully convinces them.
In ROCD, the intensity of anxiety attached to the doubt is much higher. People with ROCD often describe a feeling of urgency or even panic to “solve” their uncertainty immediately. This leads to those compulsive behaviours (repeated questioning, checking, etc.), which you typically don’t see with ordinary doubts. A tell-tale sign is that ROCD doubts persist even when things are going well. They are intrusive, popping up unwanted, whereas normal relationship concerns usually have a concrete trigger (like a specific issue or an incompatibility that needs addressing). If you find that your relationship worries are constant, irrational, and causing significant anxiety and distraction in your daily life, that pattern suggests ROCD rather than ordinary doubt.
For a deeper exploration of this distinction, see our dedicated post ROCD vs Normal Relationship Doubts – How to Tell the Difference. Understanding that ROCD is driving these thoughts (and that they are not necessarily reflections of reality) is important, because it means you can begin to address the OCD aspect rather than endlessly analyzing the relationship itself.
How Is ROCD Treated?
The good news is that, like other forms of OCD, ROCD is highly treatable with the right approach. The cornerstone treatment is Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT) tailored to OCD, often combined with a technique called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). In the UK, the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) recommends CBT (with ERP) as a first-line treatment for OCD.. This therapy helps you learn to face those upsetting relationship doubts without resorting to compulsions like reassurance-seeking or mental checking. Over time, with guided practice, your brain learns to tolerate the uncertainty and anxiety about your relationship, instead of being ruled by it.
ERP, specifically, might involve deliberately not doing a usual compulsion and sitting with the anxiety that results. For instance, a therapist might guide someone with ROCD to stop asking for reassurance for a day, or to write down their worst fear (“Maybe this relationship is doomed and I have to live with that uncertainty”) and read it without trying to “fix” it. This can be challenging, but it’s extremely effective in showing your mind that the anxiety will peak and then fall on its own, and that you don’t actually need to perform the compulsion. Research and clinical practice have shown that people who stick with ERP often experience significant relief and can stay in their relationships without constantly doubting them..
In some cases, medication can also be an option. Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs), a type of antidepressant, are commonly prescribed for OCD and can help take the edge off obsessive thoughts. This is something to discuss with a GP or psychiatrist if therapy alone isn’t sufficient.
Because ROCD can cause a lot of shame and confusion, education and support are also key. Many people feel relieved to simply learn that “ROCD” is a recognised phenomenon – that they are not alone or evil for having these thoughts about a loved one. In the UK and Ireland, organisations like OCD-UK, OCD Ireland, and OCD Action provide information and support groups for OCD sufferers. Connecting with others who have ROCD (through online forums or support groups) can help you feel understood and pick up coping tips. Just be cautious not to use forums as reassurance-seeking outlets (a common trap is endlessly reading others’ ROCD stories to assure yourself you have the condition – which can become its own compulsion!).
If you suspect you have ROCD, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. In the UK, you can start by talking to your GP, who can refer you to an NHS mental health service or OCD specialist. In Ireland, you can consult your GP for referral through the HSE mental health services, or seek a private therapist who has experience with OCD. I have worked with many ROCD clients and even developed an ROCD-specific online programme – so specialised help does exist. The important thing is to get an evaluation and support; you don’t have to keep struggling alone with these painful doubts. With proper treatment and patience, people do overcome ROCD symptoms and go on to have healthy, satisfying relationships.
More information: You might read
- ROCD vs Normal Relationship Doubts – How to Tell the Difference,
- or learn more about Common ROCD Obsessions & Compulsions to see examples of the kinds of thoughts and behaviours ROCD involves.
- You can also visit our main ROCD information page for a comprehensive overview of ROCD, including self-help tips and guidance on seeking professional help.
