When it comes to anger, the worst time to figure out what to do is in the middle of it. By then, your body has already kicked off and you’re not thinking straight. What helps is having a plan ready — written down somewhere you can grab it.
I often tell people to think of it like a fire drill. You don’t wait until the smoke alarm goes off before deciding which door to run out of. You already know the exits. It’s the same idea with anger: plan ahead for the tricky moments so you’re not scrambling when they hit.
Here’s a simple way to put your own plan together. You don’t need to overthink it — just jot down answers as you go.
Step 1: Triggers and Warning Signs
Start by being honest about what sets you off. Think about the last few times you got really wound up. Was it being interrupted? Feeling dismissed? Traffic? Write them down.
Then notice what happens in your body before you blow. Do your shoulders tighten? Do you raise your voice? Does your stomach knot? These are your early warning lights.
Step 2: Quick Fixes in the Moment
Pick two or three things you know you can actually do when you’re annoyed. Maybe it’s box breathing, maybe it’s walking outside for five minutes, maybe it’s counting to ten before you open your mouth. Keep it realistic — things you’ll actually use.
Step 3: Time-Out
Have a line ready you can say to someone when you need space. Something like, “I’m too wound up right now, I need a break. Let’s come back to this later.” Decide where you’ll go and what you’ll do — even if that’s just sticking your headphones in and going for a walk around the block.
Step 4: Calming Self-Talk
What you say to yourself in your head matters. If you feed the anger — “This is ridiculous, I can’t stand this” — it only grows. Try writing down a few lines that help you steady yourself. Things like, “This will pass” or “I can be angry without shouting.”
Step 5: Long-Term Habits
This is the stuff that makes the angry moments less frequent in the first place. Decent sleep, moving your body, eating properly, finding ways to switch off. Nothing fancy — even small habits make a big difference.
Step 6: Who You Can Lean On
Write down names. A friend you can ring, your partner, a therapist. And keep the helplines handy:
- Samaritans: 116 123
- Parentline (for parenting stress): 01 873 3500
Step 7: Repair
You will mess up sometimes — we all do. The key is having a repair plan. Decide now how you’ll handle it. For example: “When I’ve cooled off, I’ll apologise and own the behaviour, without excusing it.”
A worked example
Here is an illustrative example to show how the plan can fit together. Adapt it to your own situation.
Trigger: Someone says my work needs changing. Early warning signs: My jaw tightens, I speak faster and want to defend every detail.
My first response: I pause and ask which part needs changing. If I need a break, I say, “I need ten minutes. I will come back at 2.30 so we can discuss it.”
During the break: I take a short walk and let my pace settle. I avoid rehearsing an argument or sending messages while angry.
When I return: I listen to the specific feedback and agree one next step. If I raised my voice, I acknowledge that and apologise without blaming the other person.
My practice this week: I use the pause with one small piece of feedback, then note what helped and what I need to adjust.
The full guide to managing anger explains the wider pattern and the skills you can practise.
Build your skills alongside your plan
If you want to work through the skills in more detail, my self-paced anger management course includes lessons and worksheets on triggers, coping strategies, angry thoughts, beliefs and communication. It is for adults aged 18 and over who want to change their own responses to anger. You can explore the curriculum and preview lesson before deciding.
Outlook
Stick this plan somewhere you’ll actually see it — fridge door, notes app, whatever works. It doesn’t need to be perfect. It’s just a reminder that you do have choices, even when you feel hijacked by your temper.Keeping It Real
One thing I’d stress is that this plan isn’t about turning you into a saint who never gets angry. Anger is part of being human. The plan is simply there to stop anger running the show. Over time, you’ll probably notice that just knowing you have a plan helps you feel calmer, because you’re not left guessing what to do.
It can also help to look back at your plan every so often and tweak it. Maybe you realise that going for a walk works better than breathing exercises, or that certain calming phrases don’t actually help you much. That’s fine — this is your plan, not a school assignment. Adjust it as you learn more about yourself.
Another useful thing is to share parts of your plan with the people closest to you. If you tell your partner, “When I say I need ten minutes out, that’s me sticking to my plan, not me walking away from you,” it clears up a lot of confusion. The same goes at work: you don’t need to share every detail, but letting a colleague know you might step outside for a breather shows them you’re handling it, not ignoring them.
Finally, remember the repair step is just as important as the rest. We all slip up. What changes relationships isn’t being perfect — it’s being willing to go back, say sorry, and show that you’re trying to do things differently. That’s how trust is rebuilt.
Related reading: What Are My Anger Triggers?.