The following article was an answer to a question when a person was unsure whether or not their current difficulty was a result of a recurring obsession or a problem with their relationship.
You can read more on the subject in the following articles
Hi Elaine,
Four months ago, I had to move house, and it was very sudden and stressful. A week after I moved in, I started to get these intrusive thoughts about my partner ‘What if you don’t love him’ ‘What if you have to end things?’
After having these thoughts, I got very anxious and distressed, and then I could not feel anything but anxiety towards my partner. Ever since I had the first thought four months ago, I’ve been obsessing over it ever since and needing certainty, that I do love him.
It’s very sad and causing me a lot of stress because I know I love my partner, and this is the best relationship I’ve been in, there are no reasons why I would not love him e.g. no red flags. So I’m sure you can understand how distressing and confusing it is.
I constantly have to check my feelings and search online for temporary relief. It wasn’t until recently I came across a form of OCD online known as ROCD. I have shown symptoms of OCD in the past towards my health, particularly, ‘What if I have cancer’ and constantly needing reassurance from doctors and online support.
Do you think I may be suffering from ROCD? or maybe something else? Could therapy help me with this? I have suffered from anxiety throughout the majority of my teens as well but never sought professional help. Any advice you may have would be greatly appreciated because I feel like I’m losing control over my life, and it’s causing me a lot of pain.
If you are unfamiliar with Relationship OCD, the following video will provide an overview.
Hello, and thank you very much for your question. I have spoken about Relationship OCD in another post, which you might find helpful. Have a read of this, as it covers some of what you asked.
I cannot tell from an email whether you have ROCD or what your relationship means to you. What I can help you examine is the repeated checking and search for certainty you describe.
You describe loving your partner and also feeling distressed by doubt. I would not ask you to keep proving either feeling. Repeatedly checking which one is the real answer can become part of the problem.
An intrusive thought is a real mental experience. Having it does not, by itself, establish a fact about your relationship. The useful question is how you respond when it appears.
So why do they trouble you? I will look at what keeps them going and keeps them alive in your head.
We all have unwanted thoughts every day, but mostly we do not pay any attention to them. I have a thought often about buying a massive house that sits along the east coast of Ireland (that I could never afford in a million years!), but I see this as daydreaming and does not bother me. I am sure you have these sorts of thoughts as well.
However, thought about whether or not you love someone, you pay more attention to it, and start to question why you are having it, surely it must come from somewhere or mean something? It is just a thought, it is what you might be doing with it, that causes the problem.
It causes distress, so you might be on google, trying to find out what is going on, you might speak with someone or do something else to get reassurance. This adds fuel to the fire of the thought, as it is carving out a groove, a sort of habit in your mind.
Repeated checking can become a habit. Each brief feeling of relief may make you more likely to check again when doubt returns.
Try noticing the urge to investigate without immediately following it. You do not have to settle what the thought means before returning to what you were doing.
To answer your question about whether I think you have ROCD, it would be wrong of me to say yes or no, from one email, but perhaps more importantly, from your email, I can have an attempt at how to help!
Therapy is an option, but you can try things at home without therapy, such as mindfulness (and this is explained in the post I spoke about earlier.)
Mindfulness can help you notice a thought and return to the activity in front of you. You do not have to become relaxed first. Practise allowing some uncertainty without checking your feelings or asking for reassurance.
The practice is to respond differently when doubt appears, even while the thought or anxious feeling is still present.
Also you mentioned that you had moved house and that it was stressful. See this is a vulnerability factor – stress. Usually when we are feeling calm and relaxed things do not bother us as much. When feeling stressed, we do not have the same resources to cope.
Stress may have made the checking cycle harder to resist, but it cannot tell us whether the relationship is right for you. When doubt appears, practise leaving it unanswered for the moment instead of reminding yourself that you must love him. Give concrete relationship concerns their own consideration; if there is abuse or coercion, prioritise safety. An OCD explanation is never a reason to remain in an unsafe relationship.
I hope this helps.
Elaine